How I keep hoping for the best and expecting the best -- and when something bad suddenly grabs a hold of me and makes me confront it, I am all amazed, like I didn't see it coming.
I've spent these last several months in denial in regards to my sister's diagnosis. Several months in which deep down, I had convinced myself that things would get better. Things always get better for good people, you know?
This morning I logged into my email to find my mother's message that the CAT scan did not show what had been hoped for. Instead, it confirmed that the cancer had spread not only to her liver, but to her lungs as well. Indeed, the doctors had known all along that the cancer had affected her lungs but somehow, somewhere... they neglected to inform my sister of this.
Yes, the tumored areas had shrunk, so that was good. But the option of surgery now seems remote, and palliative measures seem to be what they are going for.
Not something that a 46 year old wife and mother of three wants to hear.
By the way -- for those of you that have emailed me or left messages here wondering where I've been, I would like to thank you. It is nice to know that some people who've never met me and never will, care enough to enquire.
Life has been exceptionally busy with play preparations, and work is extremely stressful as well. We've a new assistant superintendent who throws around phrases that end with 'non-negotiable' and 'mandatory' like you would say hello and good bye. She begins a lot of meetings with 'This is the way it will be. If you don't like it, I will replace you.' Thankfully I have little contact with this person, but the work atmosphere is extremely poor and morale is at an all time low. I love my job. I love the kids. But I am seeking employment half heartedly elsewhere. If a dream job opens, I will take it.
After ten happy years at a place, it is odd to feel like this.
At any rate, I don't know how religious I am going to be in maintaining this site. I am just not finding the time to, and I can't even begin to attempt to be humorous right now. Who wants to read depressing stuff all the time?
At any rate, take care! I will be checking everyone's blogs today to catch up.
~Penny
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5 comments:
I'm sorry about the prognosis for you sister, I wish there were something to say that could help, but I suspect nothing would.
I have missed you, but I understand that you are taking care of lots of "real life" things right now. You and your sister are in my prayers.
Sending you a hug!
There is nothing to say except I'm sorry. Take care of what's important right now but remember that we are here even if we're far away. Take care of yourself too, you will need to be strong but its okay to be human.
Hi, I know you said you'd leave blogging for a while. Just dropping in to make sure you're okay. Hope everything is fine with your family. I know its hard and mostly we don't really understand much less accept, but you have to be strong just like you've always been. Take care of yourself.
Dear Takhara,
First, I wish to acknowledge the pain you are going through regarding your sister. Grief and depression can be looked at through different eyes if we so choose. It feels bad and so it is bad. It is the attempt to escape from it that seems to pull us further down. It's a little bit like quichsand. The more you struggle the deeper you sink. Somethimes just hanging out in it and asking what it want of us can loosen it's grip. Joy, because we don't struggle against it flys away.
Maybe accepting it, which means keeping our judgment of it at bay, with loosen it's grip. I have a lot to say about these things if you choose to visit me where I hang out in cyberspace. Be good to yourself and think about dropping the good and bad for an hour a day. It's good practice for creating what you want in your life.
Bill
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