The way it is

I find myself often trudging through life on the 'outskirts'. Do you know what I mean? You know, the feeling you get when you are standing in a store next to a group of friends that are having a blast and laughing at jokes that only they can understand. And you don't know them, you've never met them, yet their laughter, their very... presence is so infectious it gives you a sense of longing to be a part of it.

I do not have many close friends in my life. I've always been the sort to not need a lot of people close to me. Give me one good friend to whom I can share trials and tribulations, and I am good to go. Yet... a part of me will always yearn to have more even as the shy part of me disallows me to try.

I have many 'friends'. At work, the people I know would scoff to ever think I might be shy. You see, I am outspoken and upfront. If an issue needs to be addressed, I am often the one who is brave enough to bring it up. I am respected and liked, and I am often invited to go out for drinks or whatever. Even after 11 years of never going along, I am still invited. The fact they keep asking is a good thing, isn't it?

I often wonder what is wrong with me, that I sit on my self imposed island and watch others form lasting and deep friendships. If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would be the ability to let more people in and get to know the me I tend to hide from everyone.